Heroism?

A group callings themselves 'The Real Fathers For Justice' have claimed responsibility for a high profile stunt in which 'Rufians' was spraypainted on the door of No. 10 Downing Street.

The group is believed to be a radical splinter group, a mutated cell not at all like the lighthearted 'Fathers For Justice' well known for their tomfoolery and wholesome fun.

The actions of RFJ are suspected to be masterminded by the shadowy figure, Splinter, who is currently wanted for crimes against humanity in the Balkans.



The members are known as Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello. A possible fifth member, Dave, is thought to exist.

Andrew Johnson of the Metropolitan Police made their position clear: We urge to public to exercise common sense, for the time being establishments such as Pizza Hut should be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

Thandie Newton in Bird Flu Flap

Thandie Newton, tipped as the new Bond Girl, may have bird flu according to a source known as Mr D, who said the following: Thandie Newton, tipped as the new Bond Girl, may have bird flu.

Mr D expressed concerns about Ms Newton's recent marauding of Turkish waterways near her holiday cottage on the outskirts of Ankara, Turkey. "She's taken to eating the dead wild fowl she finds on her afternoon prowls round the lake," Mr D reported, continuing, "what worries me is it's as easy as that to pick up the dreaded virus H5N1."

A spokesperson representing Ms Newton made the following statement on her behalf: I really don't have bird flu. It's just a cold I caught on one of my evening lake prowls.

In light of Ms Newton's possible condition officials have urged the public to avoid eating the corpses of stricken wild fowl unless absolutely necessary. Andrew Johnson of DeFRA made the government's position clear: We have been aware of Thandie's activities, of course, but she's been at it most of her life and knows what she's doing. This really isn't something we want the public to be getting involved with, especially during these uncertain times.

Opposition MPs have lambasted the government for what they call 'hypocrisy'.